Wednesday, December 11, 2013

12.11.13

I've had my heart broken.

I have. Recently, actually. And it's probably one of the the worst pains in the entire world. It feels like all the things keeping you afloat are suddenly just no longer there and you can feel the water rushing to swallow you whole. You are alone and what hurts most is that, if you're best friends with the person you are in love with like I was, you have to learn how to function without your best friend again. The person that has shared special moments, made you smile, known everything about you. And above all, they broke all the trust you had built in them. You trusted that they would keep the promises that they made. Because why would someone promise something if they didn't intend to keep it?

That's where I learned though, that some people really don't understand the promises they are making when they make them. I learned the amazing span of grace. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was.

I need you to know that if you have ever had your heart broken, or maybe you're facing some serious heartbreak right now, that you aren't alone. That took me a while to realize too. You feel like the whole world is just going about their business but really people are just as broken as you feel. You just have to be willing to be vulnerable and let them help you. They will help you. People are just waiting for you to reach out your hand.

Fall into grace. I'm going to be doing some more writing about grace here in the near future. I never understood grace very well until recently. That, and love. I never understood the power of another's words. I never realized how deeply the God I had worshiped my whole entire life loved me. It's beautiful and wonderful and intoxicating. It's breathtaking and deep and real and alive. I hope you experience that someday. That intoxicating, glorious love. It's phenomenal and addicting. Loving and being loved by a God that is greater than any fathomable substance has made me an addict. I can't get enough, and I just keep going back for more, more, more. I ache to return to the place where I can be alone in His presence. I long to dive into his overwhelming grace. I wait for the moment when I may rest, when I may be alone with the love that spans generations, an entire species crafted into beautiful beings, all with hearts to love the one who placed them perfectly where they are.

I'm trying to be a better writer. I stumble a lot over the words. There are so many things inside of me longing to be free, to enter the world. I'm one of the crazy ones who believe that words can touch people. So though it may seem sporadic and crazy, please stay with me. We can do this together, this life thing. Dive into the astounding beauty that surrounds us, won't you join me?

All my love,
Sarah

Friday, November 29, 2013

Eleven. Twenty-nine.

I'm made of stars.
Carbon hydrogen and helium
I'm not a scientist, so I couldn't say for certain
But I know about wishes and magic and light
Distance and stories and mystery
I've squeezed my eyes shut many a time
A 'star light, star bright...' wish whispered into a night sky
I'm made of stars.

I'm made of pieces.
Skinned knees and bruised hands
Heart beats resounding hollow trying to hide the mess
Inside clumsily scotch-taped mosaic
Held together by elemers covered fingers
All grown up but really
Five years old trying to hide the cracks
Of a heart that accidentally slipped
Trusted in the hands of someone
Not quite ready to hold it.
I'm made of pieces

I'm made of crumbs.
Christmas eve wishes settling in the bottom of a plateNear a letter and an ice cold glass of milk
Slippered feet illuminated by glowing colors
Lights and ornaments, wreaths and bows
Please, Santa I know I've messed up but I tried...
I'm made of crumbs.

I'm made of bits of poetry.
Words that cut deeper than the surgeon scalpel
When he took out all the bad cells
Stitching me back together in the broken spots
The spots cut open, bleeding, painful
But cut open, deep, to make me better
Make me whole.
I'm made of bits of poetry.

I'm made of eighth notes.
Half notes, quarter, rest
Little beats mixing and twirling
Tutus and ballet slipper feet
Watching the big girls and please please please
Let me dance pretty just like them
Finding my own rhythm to the song
Learning to recognize the song inside my very being.
I'm made of eighth notes.

I'm made of memories.
Flying like birds through department store doors
Their simple way in not so easily reversed
Rattling around inside and finding new places to rest
Causing gasps and sometimes breaks
Other times giggles and 'oh won't this be a story to tell'
Knocking off dust from where it wasn't even noticed
I'm made of memories.

I'm made of prayers.
Words whispered in the good and the bad
Holiday tables surrounded by families
Sunday lunches. Full-churched candle-lit hymns.
Funerals. Hospital beds.
The pleases and the thank yous, the wishes and the wonders.
I'm made of prayers.

I'm made of hope.
The little whisper that says that
When the world lets you down
When you're bruised and heartbroken
When Christmas is over and the magic slips away
When the bad things aren't able to be removed
When the music stops
When the memories fade
When prayers feel like they're sinking into tiles
Hold on.

Because I'm made of rays of sunshine.
Nighttime coming to an end.
New beginning. Another day.
Second chance.
I'm made of sunshine.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Coming Back.

Hello, dear sweet friends of mine.

This blog has seen the effects of a crazy hectic schedule. I apologize for my negligence. It isn't on purpose, I promise. I'm going to try to revamp this a little bit. I might possibly be starting an entire new blog. But I kind of like the things I've got going here. So who knows? It will be interesting to see how I continue to grow beyond the current limits of where I am as a closet writer.

SO many things have happened this semester... this year. It's a lot to catch up on, so I'll spare you the details.

I've been on top of the world and at the bottom of the lowest valleys. I've fought with decisions, searched, and loved. I've looked into the sky and breathed deep the oxygen that continues to flow through my lungs no matter how much weight feels like it is pushing on my very heartbeat. I think, though, that sometimes we need to be reminded what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of you. How else would we remember how sweet it feels when you can breathe freely?

I've been broken. I've loved with all I have, given parts of myself in trust, and had that trust broken in the worst possible way. But I loved. I loved and I gave and I am better for it. I opened my hands and though they were bruised this time, I just have to keep trying. Because love is beautiful. And just because we didn't work doesn't mean we are either of us bad people, but rather we are just different. I tried and the risk I took was calculated, but apparently I'm still very bad at math. I'm still searching out this new place. I'm re-learning the walls, breathing deep the scent, closing my eyes and soaking it in through my pores. Because this place is me. This place is being who I am in the most real and authentic way possible. And that counts for something. It counts for many things.

Through the depths of pain and heartache, I've learned grace. I've learned how to rest in the sweet, sweet beauty that is a God who never leaves. A God whose love spans all heights and depths. Please listen if you hear nothing else from my rambling today: You are beautiful, loved, and completely accepted. No matter how far you've run, no matter how long and wide you think the canyon is between you and God, it is never too far. Allow yourself to rest in grace. Be kind to yourself. Accept the grace he cakes the mountaintops with. It's a beauty that's unparalleled. Trust me.

I will be writing more, I'm feeling out how to make this blog into the blog I'm dreaming about. If you're still here, thank you. I love you and I'm praying that your day is filled with light and grace.

Sarah

Monday, June 24, 2013

Books in 2013

I have read:

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
2. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
3. The Giver by Lois Lowry
4. The Hunger Games by Susanne Collins
5. Catching Fire by Susanne Collins
6. Mockingjay by Susanne Collins
7. 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp
8. I'll Be There by Holly Goldberg Sloan
9. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
10. Facing the Green Monster by K.Z. Birgel
11. The House of Tomorrow by Peter Bognanni
12. Looking for Alaska by John Green
13. Forever by Judy Blume
14. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

I am currently reading:

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

I will read next:

That Summer by Sarah Dessen

Saturday, June 22, 2013

50 Random Questions

I do these little question things all the time because I love questions. And today I am especially bored, so I'm going to do it and post my answers. Haha. It's just rambling, so feel free to completely ignore this post. There will be a better post forthcoming, I promise! But for today, my brain hurts so I need something that doesn't require thinking!

1: What would you name your future daughter?

 I really like the name Grace. I also like Layla, Olivia, Cadence, and a few other names!


2: Do you miss anyone?
Every single day.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
I'd probably blush, which drives me nuts. But I'd say thank you. I'm really working on my inability to take a compliment.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Ha, yep.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Many things! Quality time with my big sister, a trip to Atlanta, sign language class, and so many more things that will be fun!

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
I was gone all day and I got home kind of late? But I didn't expressly go out last night, no.

7: How late did you stay up last night?
Too late.

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Yeah probably. Haha.

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
I was on my way home from lunch with some of the best people on the planet!

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yeah, unfortunately.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Absolutely.

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Haven't we all?

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I can, and I will. They are repulsive and scum and I hate them.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
There are a couple, and I'm super lucky that I can say that.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Definitely. Because I'm a 100% kind of person. So if I love you, I love you with all I am. And once you love someone with all of you, it's hard to move forward when they are no longer there.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
I was.

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Definitely. I cry more because I'm mad than sad.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Yes!

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope. Outside in front of my car, if you really want to know!

20: Who did you last see in person?
My sister!

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
Goodnight!

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
I have not!

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
No but I want to go so very badly.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I am. Which is good and bad, I suppose. 

25: Do you use chap stick?
I have like 12 different shades of babylips in my purse.

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
Um, Alex and I both laid in his bed at the same time? We were both on our phones on tumblr though. Haha!

27: Are you listening to music right now?
I'm not which is unusual for me! But the quiet is good.

28: What is something you currently want right now?
To know the answers to so many questions.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
They were!

30: How is your heart lately?
Better than ever! I'm actually moving towards real happiness, which I didn't believe was obtainable for me.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
 Not usually, but I have before.

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Yesterday!

33: What do people call you?
Usually Sarah, but I have approximately 482586890 nicknames too.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Definitely. And I regretted it.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Not really currently, which is a breath of fresh air.

36: What are you listening to right now?
Silence and it's wonderful.

37: What is wrong with you right now?
My brain is a little full. But other than that, no worries here!

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Yeah. It really is. It's not overrated. There's a reason for all those songs.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Absolutely.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
 I have a wishlet and 2 hairbows. I miss my bracelets.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Taken and so happy (:

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
I don't remember! It's just a pink tank top!

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Yes. Yep. Uh huh. Yeah.

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
I have! I love hugs.

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
I have!

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was on tumblr I believe. Story of my life.

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Not in the least.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
It's nice to have someone to curl up beside. Nice to feel something warm beside you that is also breathing. Even if it's just a dog. (:

49: Have you ever been to New York?
Yes and I love love love it.

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I do! And I meant it when I returned it (:

Love yall!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Results

Hi guys!

So I'm a lazy blogger. Sorry. It is what it is.

We got results and my testing levels were well within acceptable range. We're stoked. And I can eat cheese to my hearts content. Life is back to normal, except better because it's nice to be reminded of all the little things we have to be thankful for. Thanks for being here for me. Yall are the best!

Sarah

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Oh, Thyroid.

Hey guys!

Sorry it's been so crazy long since I've really given a good post. And unfortunately, this will not be the end to that streak. Sorry about that, it's just the way life is right now.

I leave in a few hours for the beach. We are going to Destin, Florida and it will be beautiful and I am very excited. As far as what we'll be doing there, mostly just beach time. Which is what I need. A true time to relax. It'll be great.

That being said, this past week was scans week. We stared this process a few weeks ago when I began my LID, which is the Low Iodine Diet, which means I can't eat a lot of regular foods, basically. So I've been on that for a bit now. This past Tuesday, I went in and got a shot of a medicine called Thyrogen. Then I did the same thing on Wednesday. Thursday was my day off, and I felt really yucky, because Thyrogen does that. Then Friday is labs and they will send that off to be processed. We'll know our next course of action once we get the lab results back, which should be Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted. Thanks for all the love and concern and care. I love you guys so much! And as a bonus, we can only go up from here!

Love,
Sarah

Monday, May 13, 2013

Thyroid Friends!

Hey Thyroid friends!!

I'm starting up LID again today. Mom and I are brainstorming some recipe ideas. We have the cookbook and things off of thyca. But I was wondering if there were any recipes you guys have tried that I could eat over the next few weeks?! Thanks!!

Sarah

Thursday, May 9, 2013

05.09.13

Hey, guys.

So, a lot can change in a few days. In some ways, that is refreshing. In others, it's kind of scary, you know? A couple of days ago, I was in a really tough place when I posted. Today, I'm doing a lot better. And I have you guys to thank. There are a lot of wonderful people in my life who showed love to me in ways that were completely a God thing for me. I needed that love more than any of you will be able to know, and I'm more grateful than I can say.

I'm doing better.

There are still really tough days, like the other day, but on the whole I'm doing a lot better. Overall, I'm really happy with my life!

But I am also a little bit sad.

Tomorrow, I move out of my dorm room and back home, officially ending my freshman year of college. I honestly can't believe it. It has flown by so fast! I feel like it was just yesterday that I moved into this room, nervous and excited all at the same time. Now, I look around at the blank walls and boxes of things, and I am sad. I'm going to miss this place. I know I'll be back in the fall, but it's still sad to see a year end. I have made some amazing memories, and met some phenomenal people this year. And I want to take a moment to say thank you.

Kori- You are seriously the most perfect roommate I could have asked for at the beginning of the year. It seems like ages ago that we did the whole awkward facebook meetup thing, and were scrambling to apply for housing... that we didn't even get until like 2 weeks before we had to move in. Those first few weeks were so awkward... how do you get to know someone?! And it didn't help that I was always at band. But then, all of the sudden, you became my sister. I couldn't have asked for someone who fit better with my crazy self. Haha... sorry you had to put up with that. We've had so many amazing times. From pumpkin carving (and our nasty pumpkins as a result), to laughing so hard we couldn't breathe over the scooter store email, to you flipping out of your chair and dancing around the room, to all of our pizza and movie nights, to shopping days, and sweet frog dates... I could keep going, but I'll stop. You've helped me through one of the toughest seasons of my life so far. I really don't know if I would have made it if it weren't for you. Our study nights of asking stupid questions to get through Maney's class and thinking up dumb things to remember biology terms have been so wonderful. I'm beyond blessed that you're my roommate. I'll definitely be coming to see you this summer, so get ready! I love you to the moon and back.

My hallmates- Thank you so much for always making me laugh, and having a hug ready for me when I needed it most. You are such wonderful friends, I have no clue what I'd do without you. How am I going to get through not having you just steps away next year? It's going to be so difficult. You guys have helped me make some of the most wonderful memories I could even imagine. I love you all so much.

Claire- What can I say? You're my big sister. This year wouldn't have been even half as wonderful without you in my life. You always knew exactly what to say and when to say it. We've both been through some rough stuff this year, but look at us now. We made it! And I couldn't have done it without you. You are seriously an angel, I'm convinced. You always make me smile, and I have loved every single one of our times together... even if you did fall asleep during every movie. Hahaha. I love you all the same. Please know that I'm always here, and I cannot wait to see where next year takes us... your final year in college. So crazy! I can't even imagine being up here without you. I'm excited for more memories. I love you so, so, so much!

My Trumpet Section- How unbelievable to have a ready-made family to step into on day one of college. Filling out my intent form and marching with you was the best decision I have made to date. You guys are my family, and I can't even fathom this year without you. Fall semester was incredible. Playing space and hearing the crowd get excited, and dancing around in the stands, and traveling together... it was so amazing to have all of those times with you. For a few of you, I know you aren't marching next year, and I'm going to miss you so much. I'm really going to miss all of you, as I'm not in the section anymore. But I promise that I will come visit you! Once a trumpet, always a trumpet, right? (:

My Group Fitness Family- I can't even. Working along side you all has been the most amazing experience. I feel completely inadequate, yet you all make me feel so welcome. Those of you that went through training with me, you are some of the most wonderful, sweet, amazing people. Jordan- you are so sweet. Your smile makes my day literally every single time I see you. Katie- I've loved getting to know you this semester through group fit. You are a beautiful person, inside and out! Callie- where do I even begin?! You're the best mentor I could have asked for, in more ways than just in group fitness. You've taught me how to be a better person. I have missed you so much this last half of the semester, but I'm so glad you are loving Costa Rica! I love you so much, and you will have to come back and visit me. Lauren- you're the best boss I could even imagine having! You are so sweet and caring, and you make sure that each individual employee is taken care of! I loved getting to work for you, and I can't wait till next semester! Everyone that came to my classes- thank you. Thank you all for making my Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights amazing. I don't know what I'd do without each of you. Your smiles brightened up every single day that I was lucky enough to see them. I'm going to miss you all this summer, but I can't wait to shake it with you again next semester!

Mrs. B- You are, by far, one of the most amazing professors in the world. You taught me so much more than English... you taught me about life. You've become my 'school parent', which is such a blessing to me. I really just don't even have words for how much you mean to me. I hope that one day I can grow into half the person that you are. Thank you for being Jesus to me. I've said it before, and I'm even more certain of it now. You are my guardian angel, without a doubt. I'm going to miss being your student! Thank you for changing the world. Thank you for changing my life. You're amazing.

Misty- You are another professor who is beyond amazing. It's been so wonderful getting to know you over the past year. From orientation to group fitness training, now to geography class! I've been so lucky to have you as a teacher. I've learned so much from you! Your class was definitely one of my favorites. It's been a blast working with you as well! Thanks for always making me smile, especially on days when I didn't think I could. You are wonderful, and I can't wait to work with you again next year! Thanks for everything!

Alex- Well, what can I say? You are wonderful. I'm so lucky that I happened to have a conference at the same time as you. It hasn't been too long that we've known each other, but it feels like I've known you so much longer. You've become my one of my best friends in the entire world. You can always, always make me smile. No matter what! And you have me saying stupid things like 'sorey' on accident now. That's how I know I've spent too much time around you! Haha. Just kidding. But really, I'm excited for where else life is going to take us. It's an adventure, and I'm lucky that I'm going through it with someone as awesome as you. PS. Sorry about Avatar the last airbender going off of netflix. I'd keep it on there if I knew how! (; I love you!

This year has been beyond amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better freshman year of college. I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and I can't wait to see what next year brings. Though it is sad to see this year come to a close, it has been one heck of an adventure. I'm going to miss it, but I'm ready to see what comes next. Until sophomore year, Appstate. Thanks for the memories!!

Love,
Sarah

Sunday, May 5, 2013

05.05.13

Hey guys.

So, this is just me rattling off some thoughts. Feel free to ignore.

I'm really, really tough on myself. That's hard for me to admit, because I don't always feel like I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm not tough enough, like I need to constantly be doing more, better, always striving to be something other than what is currently in existence.

And today, I broke.

Today was hard. And that's not easy for me to be honest about.

I laid in bed a good 88% of today and just cried. My eyes are the size of golf balls right now and the color of firetrucks. I've had approximately 3 hours of sleep in 48 hours and it's not even really technically finals week yet.

But I realized today that I have got to start being nicer to myself. It's hard to be happy when someone's being mean to you all the time. I'm going to try my best to cut myself a little break as much as I can. And now, I need to make a list to attempt to get my head on straight. This is the list of random thoughts of today. Unfiltered and unedited.

1. I have the best little sister in the entire world. If there was ever an amazing best friend, it's her. She made me feel a ton better about my shitty day today. She deserves a gold medal for being awesome.

2. An amazing woman passed away this morning, and she will be so dearly missed by anyone who had the chance to get to know her, including me. Praying for her family today.

3. I hate cancer. I freaking hate it.

4. Heartbreak isn't a joke. It really hurts. Like, really really.

5. Rain can wash away everything if you let it.

6. Maybe I really am supposed to be on my own. And maybe that's okay.

7. Japanese food, sweet frog, and country music can cure anything. I promise.

8. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and especially emotionally.

9. I miss my best friend.

10. Tomorrow's a new day.

11. Sometimes, you just have to move the heck on. Pick your head up, stare at something beautiful, and move on.

12. I don't care what it is you say or think, I'm worth it and I'm not a waste of time.

13. I really am a good person. I know that, God knows that, and the rest doesn't honestly matter.

14. I know I'm a lot to handle, but I'm not asking you to take it all on. Just to hold my hand.

15. Breathe.

I'll probably write more later. But I have to study for exams. Love you guys.

Love,
Sarah


Friday, April 26, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Hey, lovelies.


I'm sorry I've been so absent. I know I say that every time, but really. These last few weeks of the semester are killing me! There's just so much to do in so little time! Oh well, I'm loving and soaking in every last moment of the college experience while I can. Anywho, here's the point of this post! Haha.

Topic: Friend

GO.

You know, real friends are hard to come by sometimes.
But I'm so glad I found you.
You are precisely the definition of the word, you see.
You encompass everything a friend should be.

You can tell me my favorite color
And which words I absolutely detest.
You know what dressing I like on my salad
And what I order every time at cookout.

You make me laugh on days when I don't want to smile
And you offer up a shoulder when I simply need to cry.
You hold me together when I fall apart.
You sing back the song to me that's in my heart.

You aren't afraid to dance in the rain.
You are honest, especially when I need it most.
You share my love for music, written words, and people.
And your heart breaks in the same ways that mine does.

We share parts of each other.
Your puzzle piece edges match up with mine.
We no longer are separate things
But rather part of a bigger one.

Thanks for being there for me.
And thanks for walking by my side.
You remind me of the good in the world, and in myself.
I couldn't ask for a better person to share life with.


Love,
Sarah

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Therapy... with 300 people.

Hey guys!
Sorry I'm so absent lately. Life is so hectic, I don't even know which way is up! We only have two more weeks of classes left in this semester, and then one week of exams! I am so excited to be done with classes. I'm not so stoked to be leaving Boonetown just yet, but I'm definitely ready to have a lighter work load. Anywho, that's where I am in life!

This past Thursday, I was asked by the counseling center that I used to go to to speak at an event that they were hosting for some fundraising efforts. I was honored to be asked, and even more honored when they told me that I would be the youngest speaker there. There were around 300 people in attendance, which was quite intimidating. Give me 300 seven year olds, and I can speak whenever. But adults? It's a whole different ballgame.

I attended therapy at Cornerstone Counseling Center beginning in the eighth grade. I have been blessed and honored to be a part. I had an amazing therapist named Jackie. She literally changed my life. Without her, I don't think I'd be here today. She has done amazing things for me that I will never, ever be able to thank her or repay her enough for. I am blessed and honored to have been a part of this amazing center. I put my speech on this post, but I didn't say exactly what was on here. This is the basic gist, but I elaborated some, and God really took over and spoke through me, which was an amazing experience. But I just wanted to share with you guys what a blessing it was for me to be able to share my counseling journey with the 300 people at this event and get to speak about how God used this counseling center to walk me through really hard times and situations, like cancer and depression and loneliness. God is definitely at work in this counseling center, and I'm lucky to be a part!


Hello, my name is Sarah and I am 18 years old and a freshman at Appalachian State. I walked into Cornerstone for the first time at 13 years old, the spring of my eighth grade year, just months after finishing the last leg of my own personal cancer journey, as well as embarking on a new journey of walking with my childhood best friend as she faced the same disease. I was lonely, scared, and struggling to see the good in the world… struggling to see the God in the world.

Being thirteen years old can be intimidating, especially intoday’s world. There are so many things being thrown your way, from school to society and more. Add on top of that a cancer diagnosis for you and your best friend and an uncertain and unhealthy relationship, and life quickly becomes a lot to handle. There were so many days, from thirteen all the way through my high school career, when I simply didn’t want to keep going. Days when the world was too heavy, especially as I was trying to balance it all on my own shoulders. There were moments when giving up seemed so much simpler than the tasks before me. There were days… seasons, even… that I almost didn’t make it through. But counseling was a major reason that I did indeed make it… a reason that I am standing in front of you now.

When I first began counseling sessions, I was quite nervous and didn’t really want to talk much. I had a lot on my heart, and I wasn’t much of a talker to begin with per say. I was much more comfortable putting my words down on paper than letting them flow from my mouth, which is part of the reason that I’m reading this speech to you. Writing was a major outlet for me, and one that my counselor really encouraged. Today, I am an elementary education major with a focus and minor in English for this very reason. Cornerstone really became a safe haven for me throughout these years. It definitely took a while, though. Bearing your soul to someone you have never met isn’t a quick process by any means. After a few months, though, counseling sessions became the place where I could carry my burdens and concerns and lay them out in front of a someone that I knew wouldn’t judge me for what I was feeling, really had my best interests in mind, and truly cared for me. And it was someone who would pray for me. Knowing you are prayed for makes a world of difference in life. In my counselor’s office, I could be completely honest and transparent about my strugglesand concerns, regardless of what they were, or how big or small they seemed to me, which was so refreshing. Together, my counselor and I would dive into thedeepest parts of my heart… the parts that I didn’t always want to face at all, much less face them alone… and hand in hand we would work through the things that were there. We took on the monsters that were lurking in the shadowyplaces, so to speak. We faced the hollow, consuming loneliness that rendered me desperately broken for seemingly endless seasons. We walked through the heartbreaks, the unfulfilled longings, the gut-wrenching pain. We took on the adolescent heart, a difficult and fragile thing in and of itself, and we waded through the messiest parts of it. We cried together. We dove into the Word to see what God had to say about things, and we prayed often and much. That was the best part, really. Counseling was one of the biggest ‘God-stops’ in my life. Now, I know many of you may not know what a God-stop is, so let me explain really fast. God-stops are any moment or situation where God reveals himself and you can see His invisible hand at work. Christian counseling at Cornerstone was definitely that for me. No matter what I brought to the table, my counselor never looked at me any differently than she always had, and most importantly, she never gave up on me. It was through this counseling relationship that God really began a work in me, and mended very broken pieces of my heart. He taught me one of the most important lessons I have learned to date: that no matter what happens in my life, no matter how bad I may think that I am, or how un-fixable I seem to myself… no matter how far I think I’ve run away from Him, or how badly I’ve messed up…He will never give up on me. Ever. And no matter what, He has promised that He will never, ever walk away. I now understood why God was often referred to as ‘counselor’ in the Bible.

Overall, Christian counseling at Cornerstone really changed my life and shaped me into the person that I am today. Without my time there in that small haven of an office and the amazing Godly advice I have received, I honestly don’t know if I would be alive and standing in front of you today. In fact, I can probably tell you that I wouldn’t. And even if I were, I definitely would not be nearly the same person that I am today. God really is at work in a big way here, and He is definitely changing lives, and working miracles. I am a living testament to that. Thank you.

Love,

Sarah


Thursday, April 11, 2013

04.11.13

Things I hope for you:

Your days are full of sunshine
And when they aren't,
I hope the rain is gentle
I hope you laugh
And when you can't,
I hope you know that things will clear up soon.
They always do.

I hope someone tells you how wonderful you look
With that crooked tooth
And the crinkles beside your eyes
And that one color that you look amazing in.
I hope that your hair grows,
And you have to get it cut again and again.
That's one of life's small joys, you know.
That, and wearing a new outfit.

I hope you take the time to feel the grass between your toes
And really listen to the waterfall.
You let the child run their fingers over your face
And you let the tickles bring belly laughs.

I hope you remember to look up at the stars
Count them until you're lost in the wonder of it all
And then remember that you, too
Are made of stars.

Remember that everyone you are scared of
Is 65% water
And that bumble bees die after they sting
And that every storm runs out of rain
And that nothing is infinite
Not even heartache.

Remember that you'll be okay.
Remember that I'm pulling for you.
Remember that I believe in you.


Remember me.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Just a day in the life at ASU.

So, I live in Boone. And it's beautiful here. True, it snows far too much, and it stays cold about 10 months of the year, but this time of year is glorious. There is no humidity, no sweating, and it's just perfect. I am in love with my little mountain home.

This past Saturday, a few friends and I went hiking. We went to this place called Beacon Heights and we hiked three different trails! It was glorious, and I wanted to share some pictures with you guys! Hope you enjoy! (:

 Filter!

Look how breathtaking these mountains are. 

 I know, lame selfie. But no one would climb up to this part of the waterfall with me, so I had to!

Gorgeous.

Just chilling in the falls! 

Yet again, look at how amazing these pieces of creation are! 

 Okay, I know, but my friend Halle snuck this picture of me and my boyfriend, and it's just so darn cute I wanted to put it on here too! So sue me (;

Love,
Sarah

Friday, April 5, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Today's topic: After.

I really tried to think of something creative, but my creativity levels have been zapped by the excessive amounts of homework sitting in front of me that I don't want to do. Oh, well. Here's my five minutes!

Go.

I think of my life as split into two parts so far: before cancer, and after cancer. Don't get me wrong, I don't define myself by my cancer or anything, but it really does mark a big shift in my life. It marks the time when I became thankful for things I never imagined I could lose (like my voice, my thyroid, my ability to lift my head off the pillow on my own). It introduced me to this whole world of people who bless me on a moment by moment basis. It brought my best friend and I closer than either of us could have imagined. It's brought amazing other people into my life as well, just through conversations begun about the scar at the base of my neck. Having cancer taught me how to value every single second I've been given. It reminds me to be thankful in all things, and to live every single moment. It has made me very much not superficial. Cancer hurts, but I've learned so many important lessons, and relatively early in life. And not to mention that my relationship with God is closer than it ever would have if I hadn't been placed in a situation where I was required to trust in him alone.

So, yeah. Basically. Haha. Cancer changed my whole entire life, and in a weird way, I'm really actually thankful for it.

Happy Friday!!

Love,
Sarah

Thursday, March 28, 2013

My tumblr rant.

Okay. If you don't know what tumblr is, and haven't heard of it or don't have one, then ignore this post.

If you've heard the negativity toward it lately, then this post is for you.
If you have a tumblr, then you'll totally understand what I'm saying.

So here's the deal.

Apparently on some TV news lately, tumblr has been getting a bad rap due to the 'thigh gap' thing. And yeah, the thigh gap does exist on tumblr. It also exists on most other social media sites. But that's NOT AT ALL what tumblr is about.

Tumblr is this community of antisocial people just like me. It's a group that makes hilarious jokes and spends far too much time hitting a reblog button. I've been a tumblr user for a few years now. And NEVER has it made me feel anything less than better when I get on. Having a rough day? Here's some inspirational quotes. Here's someone just saying simply 'it'll be okay'. Here's someone to give you a virtual hug. Here's a whole community who will stand beside you when you walk through hard things. Wanna self harm? Well, don't. And here's a post with reasons why. And the main one is that we get it. We know how that self-hatred feels and we don't want you to feel that way. We love you. We, the tumblr community. We share ideas and art and help each other out. We have fandoms and the closest thing to parental supervision is John Green, and he doesn't really count because he's freaking John Green, so you know what? You just be yourself. Reblog what you want. Write a text post that says something that you need to say. Connect with someone halfway across the world because they love the same types of pictures and quotes and TV shows that you do. No, you're not going to meet up with them and get raped. You just have someone to vent to when your favorite fictional character dies. Need art inspiration? Well there's about a bazillion amazing artists who share their ideas here. Need to laugh? Just look at the infomercial tag and you'll be belly laughing in no time. Need to confide through someone else's words? You can do that too. You be you, and be proud of who you are. Believe in yourself because the tumblr community believes in you.

So yeah. There's my rant. Tumblr has helped me get through a lot of really, really, really deep holes. So, please, before you diss it, at least hear my side of the story.

Love,
Sarah

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

03.25.13

Dear You,

I figured it was time to write to you again. I know it has been a while and I think you may be forgetting some of the things I said to you in my first letter. I understand, though. I know that it can be easy to forget. I do it myself sometimes.

But I want you to, please, never forget how wonderful you are. Even on the days you don't feel it, or don't believe it, you have to just trust me. There will be days when your reason seems to have slipped away and those are the days you cannot rely on your own mind. You simply mustn't. On those days, I want you to listen to people like me, or the other people that love you (and I know there are many, even when you can't recall them), and you have to make your brain focus in on the knowledge that you are loved, and that it will all be okay. Because that is something that I can promise you. It will be okay. You will be okay.

I know it may hurt sometimes. I've been there, believe it or not. I've felt the rain like knives hitting skin, and felt the hurricane winds hit the candle-flame of the fragile soul. I know how unlivable it seems when you are in the midst of trial and heartbreak. And don't think that I'm telling you to minimize your pain, because that is equally unhelpful. Don't do that. I'm saying that in the midst of the ache, the heartbreak, the sleepless and tear-stained nights... just hold on. I know that is so hard, but you really can do it. And my hand is here, extended. Reach out and take hold. I won't let go of you.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically, too, okay? Get some sleep every night (two or four hours simply won't cut it), take your pills as they are prescribed, eat healthy, and eat daily even when food itself sounds repulsive. Exercise because it is good for you, even when every step you take seems to weigh a thousand pounds. Read and pray and write and create and breathe. Just breathe.

Ultimately, I just want you to be happy. I want the sun to shine on your face, the rain fall soft and cleanse your soul. I want you to love and be loved in return. To have the courage to speak truth, even if your voice shakes. To be brave, but to recognize that it takes courage to accept help when you need it. I want you to take time to look at the stars and breathe in the warm spring breeze, or the chill of a fresh snow. I want you to look with glittering eyes at the world around you, because there is much to be discovered. And I want you to cherish the moments. Because that's what this world is really all about.

This life is a string of moments, back to back to back, and you get to choose which ones you make count more than the others. Please pick the good ones.

Always remember to love yourself, and if you happen to stumble, then just make it part of the dance.

I know it's hard. But know that there are risks worth taking, people worth loving, and experiences you don't want to miss out on. This world is ugly but, oh, it is beautiful.

I believe in you. I will always believe in you. Take my hand, and we can face this world together, you and I. I love you with a love beyond the moon and stars. You will make it. You will. And I'm here, riding this roller coaster of life with you. And that's what people do. We ride the roller coaster together, and we hold on to each other for dear life itself. We're gonna make it. We will. I pinky.

Love,

Me.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Hey, lovelies.

I hope your Friday is wonderful. Such a nice winter we're having this spring, isn't it?!

Haha. Just want to put a plug in here before I get started and say that I'm really, really lucky. I have some wonderful people in my life that hold me close when I need it most. And, I have you. You are so special to me. Thank you so much for being you.

Anywho. Here goes!

Topic: Remember

Go.

Remember:
You are loved. So, so loved. Even when you don't feel it.
Grace has been extended your way.
Grace is being extended your way.
Grace will be extended your way.
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry.
But don't let the sadness steal the day from you.
You are worth it.
Listen to the people who love you.
Believe that they are worth living for.
Be brave. Be strong.
Take your meds.
Eat. Exercise. Even when the thought of both repulses you.
You are NOT alone.
It will be okay. You will be okay.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but eventually. I promise.
Reason with yourself when you have lost all reason.
Breathe.
Hope is stronger than fear.
Keep your chin up, Princess. If not, the crown falls.

*This is part of the list of things that I repeat to myself on my bad days. This helps me remember and rationalize with myself.

Love,
Sarah

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

03.19.13

Have you ever looked at people? I don't mean, like, seen a human being pass by and you glance up as they walk by. I mean, really, truly, looked at people. Have you ever watched the way their faces are when they are busy thinking about a million different things and they are not conscious of their facial expression? Or watched as they drank their tea, and read a book, or listened to music? Have you ever really watched as someone read a text message on their phone that made them smile due to the person that you probably have no idea even exists on the other end saying something that the two of them understand? What about people in doctors offices? The nurses, as they care for others? The doctors, as they evaluate and practice their skill that they have worked tirelessly to develop?Or the patients in the waiting room, the boredom, anticipation, sometimes even anxiety, worry, fear? I love to see the way people's eyes light up with passion, or the way that their hearts beat in their chests and the way their lungs expand. I love to watch people laugh at something I can't quite hear. I love to see people in their breakdowns, too. I love the smeared makeup or the bedhead. I love the defeated being held up by stronger arms.

The thing about people, though, is that you never really know when someone is hiding behind a mask. They may be broken beyond repair and you don't really even notice. Those kinds of people need you. Reach out.

So, yeah. Just rambling. But I just really, really, love to look at people.
People are amazing.

Love,
Sarah

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Spring Break 2013.

Hey loves!

Sorry the blog has been rather slow this week. I wanted to take the week to really kind of zero in and just be home for my break. I wanted to fully be present.

Alas, as all wonderful things do, my break has pretty much come to an end. Sad day. I go back to school tomorrow. But I didn't want to lose what an amazing week this was for me. I left school with a kind of empty cup of myself. I was exhausted and in terrible need of a break at home with my sweet family and amazing friends. So, this post may be boring, but I wanted to chronicle my spring break. Here goes!

1. On Friday when I arrived home, I went to the glow party at HG. It was the first one I had gotten to attend all year. I got to see a majority of my HG family and it was absolutely wonderful. I missed them so much. It felt like old times dancing again.

2. Saturday I slept until 2pm and then went on a photoshoot with amazingly talented sister. Here's just a couple of her wonderful shots (I'm actually not pretty, she is just a really good photographer!) :








3. Sunday I got up and went to church. Then I went and had lunch with my family at Tripps and it was wonderful. Then I met my best friend, Sarah, at Sweet frog. Then I read part of a book and took a nap. It was great.

4. Monday I slept in, then went and got brunch with my old therapist/current mentor. She is phenomenal and I wouldn't be alive without her. I value my relationship with her so much. It's definitely a God thing! Then Mom and I went to Winston and I saw my otolaryngologist. Long story short, we found out that the originally thought nerve damage to the ear isn't as severe as it seemed. Yay! This is Dr. May:

5. Tuesday, I slept in and then drove down to Wingate University to see my best friend Sarah. I got to see where she lives and goes to school and meet all of her friends, which was really fun! I miss her so much now that we're not together all the time. But the cool thing about having a friendship like ours is that we can grow separately without growing apart. And that's really, really awesome.

6. Wednesday, I went to lunch with a dear friend of mine, Courtney B. Then I went and got my hair done, which was nice. I then went shopping and ran a few errands, and finished up my day with HG Fitness dancing and having a blast. And my mom made nachos for dinner, which is my favorite. Loved it!

7. Thursday, I got up at the freaking crack of dawn and went to Riverbend Middle to spend the day with the most amazing special needs kids I know. We went on a field trip to the Science Center! It was so much fun. We got to make slime and eat saltines dipped in liquid nitrogen (which makes you breathe like a dragon), play on the play sets, learn about electric currents, play with a green screen, see the aquarium, and so much more. It was a blast. I also got to meet some hearing-impaired students from Claremont Elementary (who completely stole my heart!), and the special needs class from Bunker Hill came with us too! While we were there, I even ran into Arabelle, one of my other favorite kids ever! I adore these kids more than just about anything in the whole entire world, so this was a blast for me. It fills my heart-cup to be with them. And my big sister, Courtney S, teaches so I get to be with her too! The other teachers are also so amazing. They are my family.

8. Friday, I got up and got dressed and my wonderful friend Alex drove to spend the day with me! We started off our day by going by Claremont so I could introduce him to my new sweet little friends. They have already stolen my heart and it has only been two days! So sad to say goodbye when we had to leave. The precious smiles and little arms wrapped around my legs make it hard to not just set up camp and stay forever. Then we went over to Riverbend so I could introduce him to the other kids. Almost the whole class was there and got to meet him, including Amiga, my niece, who is a blue and gold macaw! The kids were in really good moods and being silly and fun and it was so good to see them again today. My heart-cup was almost overflowing. The kids did their presentations on the planets that they had been learning about, which was so fun to watch! Then we had to go, which was so sad. I am so attached to them, I just wanted to stay forever! I already miss them so, so much. They do more good for me than they will ever, ever know. After we left there, we went to Atlanta Bread and ate lunch. Then we went to downtown Hickory and walked around the square for a while. We still had some extra time, so we went to Bisque 'n' Beads and pained pottery! I pained a tiny mouse and he painted a tiny hippo, and we collectively painted another piece as surprise. It was so fun and I laughed so much. After that we went to dinner with my family at Olive Garden! It was great.





9. Saturday, I got up (yet again) at the freaking crack of dawn to go to Winston with my family and HG family to do what is called the Color Run. It was so much fun. It is 'The Happiest 5K on the Planet!' We laughed and ran and walked and had fun just being in each others presence. The reason it is called the Color Run is because at certain mile markers, they throw powdered paint at you, which dyes your shirt. It was awesome! We got yellow and blue and green and pink and purple all thrown at us while we ran! I mostly just really loved being with the HG family again. I miss them so much when I am at school. They are such a big part of my life. I love them dearly. We had the biggest team there with 100 and some people! It was so cool! When we were just standing in the crowd and they were playing music, we even did some HG dances (of course!) and other people joined in and it was just a blast. Here's some pictures, before and then after. Enjoy!













This has been such a wonderful week. I have loved every minute of getting to be back in my little hometown and see the people I love most in the world. I already miss it, and I'm already homesick, and I haven't even left yet! I really want to say thanks to everyone that made this week so wonderful for me, just by being and by loving my crazy self. I have the best friends family in the whole world. I'm the luckiest girl ever.

Love,
Sarah

Friday, March 15, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Hey, lovely followers.

No news today. Just write, just right.

Today's Topic: Rest

Go.

Hands open, broken, cracked.
I sit here at this table, Your table.
Thank you for saving a seat for me.

My heart is weary; I'm afraid I've worn it out.
Life has been so busy. Always on the move.
Minutes slip through fingers- dew drops in morning sun.

Most are good, though some are not.
There's always somewhere to be.
Someone to see, someplace to visit, some thing to be accomplished.

But I sit here; I sit at your table in this moment.
I take a short reprieve from the bustle of the go, go, go.
I breathe deep; my constricted lungs finally expand.

I lean in, I lay my head on your shoulder.
I close my eyes and I am still.
I listen for the quiet.

You hold me close.
You let me know that it will be okay.
You let me rest.

Thank you.

Love,
Sarah

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Things I Don't Hate About Me.

Hey, sweet ones.

So today, I am sharing with you a list that I have recently put together. Being a lover of lists, they are usually quite easy for me to complete. But this one? This is the hardest list I have ever written.

You see, it is so easy to pick out the flaws in yourself. It's easy to see the uneven eyebrows and too big and too small and too this and too that. It's easy to pick out the things you want to change about yourself. But the hard one is picking out things that you like. So often there is absolutely nothing that I like about myself. I'm not saying that to get you to feel bad, I'm being totally honest about this. There are so many days where I feel worthless, useless, unlovable, and just all around terrible. But today, I'm not doing that.

I've been told that I'm too hard on myself. I don't think I am; I think I'm looking through a lens of honesty rather than a rose-colored glass. But a couple of other people lately have come up and spoken these words to me. They've told me to be gentle with myself, to let myself experience and enjoy and not always scrutinize my every movement. So here's where the list comes in. I have made a list of 10 Things That I Don't Hate About Myself. I recommend it if you're anything like me. It's a challenge, but a good one.

1. I don't hate my eyes. They are really a nice blue, and they are a direct link to my heart.

2. I don't hate my compassion. I have a lot of room in my heart for a lot of people, and I can love and be the one that doesn't walk away.

3. I don't hate my attempts at writing. I think I am getting better and that is what counts. Plus, it is an excellent outlet for me.

4. I don't hate my arms, because they are always willing to wrap themselves around someone that needs a hug. Always.

5. I do not hate the love and passion that I have for kids. I do not hate how kids seem to love me, too, and how we seem to get each other on a whole other level than I get most people, or most people get me.

6. I do not hate that I am a dreamer. I dream big, and wide and I wish on stars and cross my fingers and toes. I pray and I plan and I hope.

7. I do not hate my hands. They are actually kind of nice, I guess? And I do not hate how they help me to do so many things, and help so many people, and just are all around amazing tools.

8. I do not hate my smile. It took six years of braces to get it this way! Haha. No, but really. Smiles can do a lot in a world where there aren't many. So, I try to give it away as often as possible.

9. I do not hate my goofiness. I am practically a five year old all the time, and I love it. Life is much more fun when you look at it through these lenses rather than others. I highly recommend it.

10. I do not hate me. As much as I may hate parts of me and sometimes those parts seem like all of me, I do not hate me. I have God's thumbprint seal of approval on me, and how can I hate something that my Father created? He loved me enough to make me exactly as I am and I am on a journey to become more thankful for that every day.

Love,
Sarah

Friday, March 8, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Seriously the only deep breath I have taken this week.
This week being the week before my spring break, It has been full of midterms and long nights and days and I have had like 8 hours of sleep in the span of 4 days.
But I took my last midterm today at 11 and now is the sweetest moment of all because in just a couple of hours... I'm going home.

Home. How amazing that today's prompt would be the word that I have had my sights set on day in and day out as the stress has threatened to do me in!

Without further ado, my lovely readers, here's to today.
Here's to home.

GO.

My car is on autopilot from here. It knows what to do without me even trying. I know these roads as well as if they were etched into the backs of my own hands.

Which is saying something, since my sense of direction is -14 on the scale of zero to good.

I roll down the widow despite the chill in the air. It even smells like it. My heart-cup is filling again.
My car turns into the U-shaped driveway with the basketball goal and small well house off to the side. The wrap around porch and red brick are the most welcoming sight I could imagine. But it's not because of the building, the grass, even the little birds nest in the roof-top corner. It's because of what this place means. It's home.

It's where Mom and Dad and sisters and grandmothers and acquired family and friends gather for dinnertimes. It's where hours were spent frustrated on piano bench. It's where sprinkler summer days and hot chocolate snowy nights take place. It's where newspapers hit concrete before eyelids open. It's where the sleepless, tear-filled nights and long, heart-wrenching prayers on hopeless knees are held sacred in their safety. It's where friends that are much more like family come around and take your hand and pull you out of the abyss. It's back roads and dance classes and ball fields and popsicles. It's family. It's fingerprints. Always the fingerprints.

This is home.

I am home.

Love,
Sarah

Thursday, March 7, 2013

03.07.13

Do you know why
You can never fully repair something that was broken?

Because there are tiny fragments that break off of the whole
They are so small that you do not see them
Mixed in with carpet fibers and wood grain
But they are there
And now they are missing.

You can try your best to put the pieces back together
But they won't fit exactly right
Because there are those parts that you can't get back
The parts that are lost forever
Pieces that have been claimed by another space.

But have you ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered?
Then you know that there are tiny cracks
Little spaces where those pieces are missing
Fault lines that are permanently etched.

But if you've ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered,
Then you also know that those cracks
Those etched-in fault lines
Those missing-piece holes
Are the places where the light comes in.

The same goes for hearts.
So, too, with people.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Errant Thought Roundup.

So, I am yet again borrowing from my dear friend Kendra to do this post. Have you looked at her blog? If not you are missing out! Go check out her amazing little blog right here! Go right now... See? Wasn't that the cutest blog you've ever seen of one of the most amazing people you've ever seen? Me too.

Well, friends, without further ado, here's my errant thoughts for the day. Enjoy (:

I love, I love, I hate, I hate,
I like, I wish, for goodness sake...
I hope, I hope, I pray, I pray,
I will, I won't, and for today...

I love... skype dates with my best friend. She is beautiful and wonderful and perfect and I'm still trying to figure out why in the world we decided to go to different schools? But this is part of the reason I love our friendship so much. We can be apart and the minute we get back together, we pick right back up where we left off. She's the only person that really, really understands where I'm at in life right now. I don't know how people without a best friend with the same name and same medical issues and same everything live their lives.


I love... working with the Scholars With Diverse Abilities Program here on campus. I get to work with two awesome people named Courtney and Mieszko and they are the highlight of my week. Their positivity and determination makes me a better person. 


I hate... that all my classes run on the same schedule so I have three weeks of nothing, and then a week of exams every single day. And this week, it's double stress because it's midterms. The Keurig is about to get a massive workout.


I hate... hate. It's pretty simple, really. You live your life and I'll live mine. If you aren't hurting me and I'm not hurting you then we're good. We can disagree on many things, and we don't have to be best friends but there is absolutely no reason at all to be unkind. Why are some people just unkind for the sake of being unkind? I don't understand.


I like... the fact that Nutella tastes good on 96% of foods. It's just one of the small joys in life. 


I wish... that I was a better writer. And really just a better person. I really want to work on that. 


For goodness sake... leggings. are. not. pants. Nope nope nope nope nope. 


I hope... that it's warm enough to wear a sundress somewhere in my near future. I am really ready for spring now.  Like right now.


I hope... that I'm not too much of a disappointment.


I pray... for the DiGerolamo's. My heart breaks for them as they say goodbye to their sweet boy. Please pray with me for them. 


I pray... that I can be thankful in all things, no matter what. I pray that I can extend my hand to others and we can do this journey together. 


I will... continue to dance. No matter what happens in life, I will dance. I dance for me, for the joy that I get from this amazing thing that humans can do. 


I won't... give up. I won't let depression take today. And tomorrow I will tell myself the same. I won't minimize my pain, but I won't let it overcome me either. 


And for today... I'm here. I'm breathing and sometimes, that's plenty for one day. 



Love,

Sarah

Saturday, March 2, 2013

So much to do.

"Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's my to-do list, every Chinese person in the world." -Lorelai Gilmore.

This is precisely how I feel.
So, so much to do.
I'm serious, can we put a day between Saturday and Sunday?
Please?

There's homework and tests to study for and books to be read and laundry to be done and movies to be watched and breaths to be taken and somewhere maybe even food to be eaten.

I am stressed beyond belief, but I am thankful. Thankful that todays turn into tomorrows, and they string themselves together and lead me towards home.

Okay.
That's enough. No more time. 
I just wanted to come by and say hey.
I needed a break, you see.

I miss you guys.
Hope your weekend is fantastic.

Love,
Sarah

Friday, March 1, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

This, seriously, is the highlight of my week.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where an entire month's worth of time goes by between Monday and Friday? Yeah, that was this week. I need another day between Saturday and Sunday. Think I could petition for that and get it? Ha, me either. Oh well, though. I'm happy.

Without further ado, friends of mine, here is my post for the day.

Topic: Ordinary.

Go.

Sunbeams dancing through slits in blind
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Snowflakes stuck in blinking eyelashes
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Little bird singing in winter night
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Giggles and twinkle eyes
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Poetry and words spilled, placed perfect
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Tears that bring healing to hearts
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Hugs when desperately needed
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Letters and photograph treasures
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Breathing, deep sigh and slowing down
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Today, this moment, created just for you
Extraordinary.
Ordinary.

Love,
Sarah

Thursday, February 28, 2013

2am.

This is just a rambling mess.
A jumble of thoughts and consciousness
So please forgive me if I make no sense
Or all the sense in the world
But I just need to talk tonight

Friend of mine, there are things I need to do
Have you ever felt that way?
There is this itching under my skin
This need to do something in the world
To leave fingerprints, memories, ink smudges
To make a difference

You know, I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Who to be, what to say, where to go
But I do know the fire-dipped shades of sunset skies
The deep pink of wind-bitten cheeks
The silver of child-laughter eyes
And the lavender of wishes on stars.
I know the grey of tears down cheeks,
The black of empty arms in empty beds
And I know the green of new, fresh,
starting over, and over, and over again.
This world is a rainbow that always seems
to keep showing up after every storm.
Dew drop on a blade of grass, sud in a sink.
And I'm thankful.

I want to take my frayed edges
My messy hair and uneven eyeliner
I want to take my hoodies and jeans with the torn holes
And take my chipped fingernails and my too-long toes curled in nervous anticipation
And I want to offer them to you.
It isn't much.
It's pennies and broken shells and maybe
even shards from broken hearts
But it's what I am and it's what I have
And I want to give it to you.
I want to offer up these fragments,
These seemingly broken things

Because without the colored pieces mosaics cannot exist.

Friend, I want to leave a piece of me here.
Maybe with you, maybe with petals in the wind
Maybe even on the glint off a feather of a
bird high in the tree tops
Because that's where you'll find me.
You'll find me here, then there, always
Always floating through the world, breathing deep the colors of now, now, now

You'll find me in the words I leave on this paper piece.
Because I am a writer.
This my greatest dream, you see
And it may not always work
And the sentences may not make
And sometimes I Capitalize The Wrong Letters
And... Well... I pause, rather, frequently
And I say the same things over and over
And I repeat myself
And I don't make sense.
My hands are covered in ink and eraser smudges,
Coffee and tear stains.
And still the words don't flow.
The heart is lopsided but beating
And this is the greatest thing I have.
This is what I am.

I am words. A big long string, unending,
Unbroken.
Word after word connected and placed
So that you can know my name.
So that when you hold up your thumb to the sky
You can count four over, three across
You can see my star.
The one that grants wishes and hope
The silver in the black.
This so that you taste the sweet of sunshine and fresh cotton sheets.
The honeysuckle in late June dusk.
Maybe this is my fingerprint.
Maybe my memory.
These my words.
The words I leave here, on this page,
covered in the hue of windowsill cracks
This hour that blurs the lines of the page
The too-late and too-early belonging to days gone and to be
The smell of coffee and toothpaste and chocolate chip cookie.
These words, messy, chopped, scribbled, whispered, placed.
They rest in the outstretched palm
The fingers extended,
Dirty fingernails and all.

Here.
For you.
Love,
Sarah

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

02.27.13


Hey, lovelies. 
So, I also got this from tumblr, just like the last quote I posted.
This isn't mine, but I love love love it. And I hope you do too.
Praise the Lord for tumblr. (:
I hope your day is amazing!

"Date a girl who writes.
Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Laugh it off when she tells you that she forgot to clean her room, that her clothes are lost among the binders so it’ll take her longer to get ready, that her shoes hidden under the mountain of broken Bic pens and the refurbished laptop that she’s saved for ever since she was twelve. 
Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.
Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and Coca-cola and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with charcoal, with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of traitors and heroes. Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.
She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.
Use a pick-up line with her if she doesn’t look to busy.
If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, give her your critique of Tolstoy, and your best theories of Hannibal and the Crossing. Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.
It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid.
She’ll give you a chance.
Don’t lie to her. She’ll understand the syntax behind your words. She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. She’s realistic. A girl who writes isn’t impatient; she will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worst.
A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.
Be her compatriot, be her darling, her love, her dream, her world.
If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.
She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you.
She’ll whisk you away on a hot air balloon, and you will be smitten with her. She’s mischievous, frisky, yet she’s quiet and when she has to kill off a lovely character, when she cries, hold her and tell her that it will be alright. 
You will propose to her. Maybe on a boat in the ocean, maybe in a little cottage in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe in New York City. Maybe Chicago. Baltimore. Maybe outside her publisher’s office. Because she’s radiant, wherever she goes. Maybe even outside of a cinema where the two of you kiss in the rain. She’ll say that it is overused and clichéd, but the glint in her eyes will tell you that she appreciates it all the same.
You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. She’s lovely, remember that. She’s self made and she’s brilliant. Her names for the children might be terrible, but you’ll be okay with that. A girl who writes will tell your children fantastical stories.
Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. She’ll be your firebird and she’ll be your knight, and she’ll become your world, in the curve of her smile, in the hazel of her eye the half-dimple on her face, the words that are pouring out of her, a torrent, a wave, a crescendo - so many sensations that you will be left breathless by a girl who writes.
Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.
Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. She may be living in NYC or she may be living in a small cottage. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads.
A girl who writes will understand reality. She’ll be infuriating at times, and maybe sometimes you will hate her. Sometimes she will hate you too. But a girl who writes understands human nature, and she will understand that you are weak. She will not leave on the Midnight Train the first moment that things go sour. She will understand that real life isn’t like a story, because while she works in stories, she lives in reality. 
Date a girl who writes. 
Because there is nothing better then a girl who writes."

Love,
Sarah