Thursday, March 28, 2013

My tumblr rant.

Okay. If you don't know what tumblr is, and haven't heard of it or don't have one, then ignore this post.

If you've heard the negativity toward it lately, then this post is for you.
If you have a tumblr, then you'll totally understand what I'm saying.

So here's the deal.

Apparently on some TV news lately, tumblr has been getting a bad rap due to the 'thigh gap' thing. And yeah, the thigh gap does exist on tumblr. It also exists on most other social media sites. But that's NOT AT ALL what tumblr is about.

Tumblr is this community of antisocial people just like me. It's a group that makes hilarious jokes and spends far too much time hitting a reblog button. I've been a tumblr user for a few years now. And NEVER has it made me feel anything less than better when I get on. Having a rough day? Here's some inspirational quotes. Here's someone just saying simply 'it'll be okay'. Here's someone to give you a virtual hug. Here's a whole community who will stand beside you when you walk through hard things. Wanna self harm? Well, don't. And here's a post with reasons why. And the main one is that we get it. We know how that self-hatred feels and we don't want you to feel that way. We love you. We, the tumblr community. We share ideas and art and help each other out. We have fandoms and the closest thing to parental supervision is John Green, and he doesn't really count because he's freaking John Green, so you know what? You just be yourself. Reblog what you want. Write a text post that says something that you need to say. Connect with someone halfway across the world because they love the same types of pictures and quotes and TV shows that you do. No, you're not going to meet up with them and get raped. You just have someone to vent to when your favorite fictional character dies. Need art inspiration? Well there's about a bazillion amazing artists who share their ideas here. Need to laugh? Just look at the infomercial tag and you'll be belly laughing in no time. Need to confide through someone else's words? You can do that too. You be you, and be proud of who you are. Believe in yourself because the tumblr community believes in you.

So yeah. There's my rant. Tumblr has helped me get through a lot of really, really, really deep holes. So, please, before you diss it, at least hear my side of the story.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Dear You,

I figured it was time to write to you again. I know it has been a while and I think you may be forgetting some of the things I said to you in my first letter. I understand, though. I know that it can be easy to forget. I do it myself sometimes.

But I want you to, please, never forget how wonderful you are. Even on the days you don't feel it, or don't believe it, you have to just trust me. There will be days when your reason seems to have slipped away and those are the days you cannot rely on your own mind. You simply mustn't. On those days, I want you to listen to people like me, or the other people that love you (and I know there are many, even when you can't recall them), and you have to make your brain focus in on the knowledge that you are loved, and that it will all be okay. Because that is something that I can promise you. It will be okay. You will be okay.

I know it may hurt sometimes. I've been there, believe it or not. I've felt the rain like knives hitting skin, and felt the hurricane winds hit the candle-flame of the fragile soul. I know how unlivable it seems when you are in the midst of trial and heartbreak. And don't think that I'm telling you to minimize your pain, because that is equally unhelpful. Don't do that. I'm saying that in the midst of the ache, the heartbreak, the sleepless and tear-stained nights... just hold on. I know that is so hard, but you really can do it. And my hand is here, extended. Reach out and take hold. I won't let go of you.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically, too, okay? Get some sleep every night (two or four hours simply won't cut it), take your pills as they are prescribed, eat healthy, and eat daily even when food itself sounds repulsive. Exercise because it is good for you, even when every step you take seems to weigh a thousand pounds. Read and pray and write and create and breathe. Just breathe.

Ultimately, I just want you to be happy. I want the sun to shine on your face, the rain fall soft and cleanse your soul. I want you to love and be loved in return. To have the courage to speak truth, even if your voice shakes. To be brave, but to recognize that it takes courage to accept help when you need it. I want you to take time to look at the stars and breathe in the warm spring breeze, or the chill of a fresh snow. I want you to look with glittering eyes at the world around you, because there is much to be discovered. And I want you to cherish the moments. Because that's what this world is really all about.

This life is a string of moments, back to back to back, and you get to choose which ones you make count more than the others. Please pick the good ones.

Always remember to love yourself, and if you happen to stumble, then just make it part of the dance.

I know it's hard. But know that there are risks worth taking, people worth loving, and experiences you don't want to miss out on. This world is ugly but, oh, it is beautiful.

I believe in you. I will always believe in you. Take my hand, and we can face this world together, you and I. I love you with a love beyond the moon and stars. You will make it. You will. And I'm here, riding this roller coaster of life with you. And that's what people do. We ride the roller coaster together, and we hold on to each other for dear life itself. We're gonna make it. We will. I pinky.



Friday, March 22, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Hey, lovelies.

I hope your Friday is wonderful. Such a nice winter we're having this spring, isn't it?!

Haha. Just want to put a plug in here before I get started and say that I'm really, really lucky. I have some wonderful people in my life that hold me close when I need it most. And, I have you. You are so special to me. Thank you so much for being you.

Anywho. Here goes!

Topic: Remember


You are loved. So, so loved. Even when you don't feel it.
Grace has been extended your way.
Grace is being extended your way.
Grace will be extended your way.
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry.
But don't let the sadness steal the day from you.
You are worth it.
Listen to the people who love you.
Believe that they are worth living for.
Be brave. Be strong.
Take your meds.
Eat. Exercise. Even when the thought of both repulses you.
You are NOT alone.
It will be okay. You will be okay.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but eventually. I promise.
Reason with yourself when you have lost all reason.
Hope is stronger than fear.
Keep your chin up, Princess. If not, the crown falls.

*This is part of the list of things that I repeat to myself on my bad days. This helps me remember and rationalize with myself.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Have you ever looked at people? I don't mean, like, seen a human being pass by and you glance up as they walk by. I mean, really, truly, looked at people. Have you ever watched the way their faces are when they are busy thinking about a million different things and they are not conscious of their facial expression? Or watched as they drank their tea, and read a book, or listened to music? Have you ever really watched as someone read a text message on their phone that made them smile due to the person that you probably have no idea even exists on the other end saying something that the two of them understand? What about people in doctors offices? The nurses, as they care for others? The doctors, as they evaluate and practice their skill that they have worked tirelessly to develop?Or the patients in the waiting room, the boredom, anticipation, sometimes even anxiety, worry, fear? I love to see the way people's eyes light up with passion, or the way that their hearts beat in their chests and the way their lungs expand. I love to watch people laugh at something I can't quite hear. I love to see people in their breakdowns, too. I love the smeared makeup or the bedhead. I love the defeated being held up by stronger arms.

The thing about people, though, is that you never really know when someone is hiding behind a mask. They may be broken beyond repair and you don't really even notice. Those kinds of people need you. Reach out.

So, yeah. Just rambling. But I just really, really, love to look at people.
People are amazing.


Saturday, March 16, 2013

Spring Break 2013.

Hey loves!

Sorry the blog has been rather slow this week. I wanted to take the week to really kind of zero in and just be home for my break. I wanted to fully be present.

Alas, as all wonderful things do, my break has pretty much come to an end. Sad day. I go back to school tomorrow. But I didn't want to lose what an amazing week this was for me. I left school with a kind of empty cup of myself. I was exhausted and in terrible need of a break at home with my sweet family and amazing friends. So, this post may be boring, but I wanted to chronicle my spring break. Here goes!

1. On Friday when I arrived home, I went to the glow party at HG. It was the first one I had gotten to attend all year. I got to see a majority of my HG family and it was absolutely wonderful. I missed them so much. It felt like old times dancing again.

2. Saturday I slept until 2pm and then went on a photoshoot with amazingly talented sister. Here's just a couple of her wonderful shots (I'm actually not pretty, she is just a really good photographer!) :

3. Sunday I got up and went to church. Then I went and had lunch with my family at Tripps and it was wonderful. Then I met my best friend, Sarah, at Sweet frog. Then I read part of a book and took a nap. It was great.

4. Monday I slept in, then went and got brunch with my old therapist/current mentor. She is phenomenal and I wouldn't be alive without her. I value my relationship with her so much. It's definitely a God thing! Then Mom and I went to Winston and I saw my otolaryngologist. Long story short, we found out that the originally thought nerve damage to the ear isn't as severe as it seemed. Yay! This is Dr. May:

5. Tuesday, I slept in and then drove down to Wingate University to see my best friend Sarah. I got to see where she lives and goes to school and meet all of her friends, which was really fun! I miss her so much now that we're not together all the time. But the cool thing about having a friendship like ours is that we can grow separately without growing apart. And that's really, really awesome.

6. Wednesday, I went to lunch with a dear friend of mine, Courtney B. Then I went and got my hair done, which was nice. I then went shopping and ran a few errands, and finished up my day with HG Fitness dancing and having a blast. And my mom made nachos for dinner, which is my favorite. Loved it!

7. Thursday, I got up at the freaking crack of dawn and went to Riverbend Middle to spend the day with the most amazing special needs kids I know. We went on a field trip to the Science Center! It was so much fun. We got to make slime and eat saltines dipped in liquid nitrogen (which makes you breathe like a dragon), play on the play sets, learn about electric currents, play with a green screen, see the aquarium, and so much more. It was a blast. I also got to meet some hearing-impaired students from Claremont Elementary (who completely stole my heart!), and the special needs class from Bunker Hill came with us too! While we were there, I even ran into Arabelle, one of my other favorite kids ever! I adore these kids more than just about anything in the whole entire world, so this was a blast for me. It fills my heart-cup to be with them. And my big sister, Courtney S, teaches so I get to be with her too! The other teachers are also so amazing. They are my family.

8. Friday, I got up and got dressed and my wonderful friend Alex drove to spend the day with me! We started off our day by going by Claremont so I could introduce him to my new sweet little friends. They have already stolen my heart and it has only been two days! So sad to say goodbye when we had to leave. The precious smiles and little arms wrapped around my legs make it hard to not just set up camp and stay forever. Then we went over to Riverbend so I could introduce him to the other kids. Almost the whole class was there and got to meet him, including Amiga, my niece, who is a blue and gold macaw! The kids were in really good moods and being silly and fun and it was so good to see them again today. My heart-cup was almost overflowing. The kids did their presentations on the planets that they had been learning about, which was so fun to watch! Then we had to go, which was so sad. I am so attached to them, I just wanted to stay forever! I already miss them so, so much. They do more good for me than they will ever, ever know. After we left there, we went to Atlanta Bread and ate lunch. Then we went to downtown Hickory and walked around the square for a while. We still had some extra time, so we went to Bisque 'n' Beads and pained pottery! I pained a tiny mouse and he painted a tiny hippo, and we collectively painted another piece as surprise. It was so fun and I laughed so much. After that we went to dinner with my family at Olive Garden! It was great.

9. Saturday, I got up (yet again) at the freaking crack of dawn to go to Winston with my family and HG family to do what is called the Color Run. It was so much fun. It is 'The Happiest 5K on the Planet!' We laughed and ran and walked and had fun just being in each others presence. The reason it is called the Color Run is because at certain mile markers, they throw powdered paint at you, which dyes your shirt. It was awesome! We got yellow and blue and green and pink and purple all thrown at us while we ran! I mostly just really loved being with the HG family again. I miss them so much when I am at school. They are such a big part of my life. I love them dearly. We had the biggest team there with 100 and some people! It was so cool! When we were just standing in the crowd and they were playing music, we even did some HG dances (of course!) and other people joined in and it was just a blast. Here's some pictures, before and then after. Enjoy!

This has been such a wonderful week. I have loved every minute of getting to be back in my little hometown and see the people I love most in the world. I already miss it, and I'm already homesick, and I haven't even left yet! I really want to say thanks to everyone that made this week so wonderful for me, just by being and by loving my crazy self. I have the best friends family in the whole world. I'm the luckiest girl ever.


Friday, March 15, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Hey, lovely followers.

No news today. Just write, just right.

Today's Topic: Rest


Hands open, broken, cracked.
I sit here at this table, Your table.
Thank you for saving a seat for me.

My heart is weary; I'm afraid I've worn it out.
Life has been so busy. Always on the move.
Minutes slip through fingers- dew drops in morning sun.

Most are good, though some are not.
There's always somewhere to be.
Someone to see, someplace to visit, some thing to be accomplished.

But I sit here; I sit at your table in this moment.
I take a short reprieve from the bustle of the go, go, go.
I breathe deep; my constricted lungs finally expand.

I lean in, I lay my head on your shoulder.
I close my eyes and I am still.
I listen for the quiet.

You hold me close.
You let me know that it will be okay.
You let me rest.

Thank you.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Things I Don't Hate About Me.

Hey, sweet ones.

So today, I am sharing with you a list that I have recently put together. Being a lover of lists, they are usually quite easy for me to complete. But this one? This is the hardest list I have ever written.

You see, it is so easy to pick out the flaws in yourself. It's easy to see the uneven eyebrows and too big and too small and too this and too that. It's easy to pick out the things you want to change about yourself. But the hard one is picking out things that you like. So often there is absolutely nothing that I like about myself. I'm not saying that to get you to feel bad, I'm being totally honest about this. There are so many days where I feel worthless, useless, unlovable, and just all around terrible. But today, I'm not doing that.

I've been told that I'm too hard on myself. I don't think I am; I think I'm looking through a lens of honesty rather than a rose-colored glass. But a couple of other people lately have come up and spoken these words to me. They've told me to be gentle with myself, to let myself experience and enjoy and not always scrutinize my every movement. So here's where the list comes in. I have made a list of 10 Things That I Don't Hate About Myself. I recommend it if you're anything like me. It's a challenge, but a good one.

1. I don't hate my eyes. They are really a nice blue, and they are a direct link to my heart.

2. I don't hate my compassion. I have a lot of room in my heart for a lot of people, and I can love and be the one that doesn't walk away.

3. I don't hate my attempts at writing. I think I am getting better and that is what counts. Plus, it is an excellent outlet for me.

4. I don't hate my arms, because they are always willing to wrap themselves around someone that needs a hug. Always.

5. I do not hate the love and passion that I have for kids. I do not hate how kids seem to love me, too, and how we seem to get each other on a whole other level than I get most people, or most people get me.

6. I do not hate that I am a dreamer. I dream big, and wide and I wish on stars and cross my fingers and toes. I pray and I plan and I hope.

7. I do not hate my hands. They are actually kind of nice, I guess? And I do not hate how they help me to do so many things, and help so many people, and just are all around amazing tools.

8. I do not hate my smile. It took six years of braces to get it this way! Haha. No, but really. Smiles can do a lot in a world where there aren't many. So, I try to give it away as often as possible.

9. I do not hate my goofiness. I am practically a five year old all the time, and I love it. Life is much more fun when you look at it through these lenses rather than others. I highly recommend it.

10. I do not hate me. As much as I may hate parts of me and sometimes those parts seem like all of me, I do not hate me. I have God's thumbprint seal of approval on me, and how can I hate something that my Father created? He loved me enough to make me exactly as I am and I am on a journey to become more thankful for that every day.


Friday, March 8, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

Seriously the only deep breath I have taken this week.
This week being the week before my spring break, It has been full of midterms and long nights and days and I have had like 8 hours of sleep in the span of 4 days.
But I took my last midterm today at 11 and now is the sweetest moment of all because in just a couple of hours... I'm going home.

Home. How amazing that today's prompt would be the word that I have had my sights set on day in and day out as the stress has threatened to do me in!

Without further ado, my lovely readers, here's to today.
Here's to home.


My car is on autopilot from here. It knows what to do without me even trying. I know these roads as well as if they were etched into the backs of my own hands.

Which is saying something, since my sense of direction is -14 on the scale of zero to good.

I roll down the widow despite the chill in the air. It even smells like it. My heart-cup is filling again.
My car turns into the U-shaped driveway with the basketball goal and small well house off to the side. The wrap around porch and red brick are the most welcoming sight I could imagine. But it's not because of the building, the grass, even the little birds nest in the roof-top corner. It's because of what this place means. It's home.

It's where Mom and Dad and sisters and grandmothers and acquired family and friends gather for dinnertimes. It's where hours were spent frustrated on piano bench. It's where sprinkler summer days and hot chocolate snowy nights take place. It's where newspapers hit concrete before eyelids open. It's where the sleepless, tear-filled nights and long, heart-wrenching prayers on hopeless knees are held sacred in their safety. It's where friends that are much more like family come around and take your hand and pull you out of the abyss. It's back roads and dance classes and ball fields and popsicles. It's family. It's fingerprints. Always the fingerprints.

This is home.

I am home.


Thursday, March 7, 2013


Do you know why
You can never fully repair something that was broken?

Because there are tiny fragments that break off of the whole
They are so small that you do not see them
Mixed in with carpet fibers and wood grain
But they are there
And now they are missing.

You can try your best to put the pieces back together
But they won't fit exactly right
Because there are those parts that you can't get back
The parts that are lost forever
Pieces that have been claimed by another space.

But have you ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered?
Then you know that there are tiny cracks
Little spaces where those pieces are missing
Fault lines that are permanently etched.

But if you've ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered,
Then you also know that those cracks
Those etched-in fault lines
Those missing-piece holes
Are the places where the light comes in.

The same goes for hearts.
So, too, with people.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Errant Thought Roundup.

So, I am yet again borrowing from my dear friend Kendra to do this post. Have you looked at her blog? If not you are missing out! Go check out her amazing little blog right here! Go right now... See? Wasn't that the cutest blog you've ever seen of one of the most amazing people you've ever seen? Me too.

Well, friends, without further ado, here's my errant thoughts for the day. Enjoy (:

I love, I love, I hate, I hate,
I like, I wish, for goodness sake...
I hope, I hope, I pray, I pray,
I will, I won't, and for today...

I love... skype dates with my best friend. She is beautiful and wonderful and perfect and I'm still trying to figure out why in the world we decided to go to different schools? But this is part of the reason I love our friendship so much. We can be apart and the minute we get back together, we pick right back up where we left off. She's the only person that really, really understands where I'm at in life right now. I don't know how people without a best friend with the same name and same medical issues and same everything live their lives.

I love... working with the Scholars With Diverse Abilities Program here on campus. I get to work with two awesome people named Courtney and Mieszko and they are the highlight of my week. Their positivity and determination makes me a better person. 

I hate... that all my classes run on the same schedule so I have three weeks of nothing, and then a week of exams every single day. And this week, it's double stress because it's midterms. The Keurig is about to get a massive workout.

I hate... hate. It's pretty simple, really. You live your life and I'll live mine. If you aren't hurting me and I'm not hurting you then we're good. We can disagree on many things, and we don't have to be best friends but there is absolutely no reason at all to be unkind. Why are some people just unkind for the sake of being unkind? I don't understand.

I like... the fact that Nutella tastes good on 96% of foods. It's just one of the small joys in life. 

I wish... that I was a better writer. And really just a better person. I really want to work on that. 

For goodness sake... leggings. are. not. pants. Nope nope nope nope nope. 

I hope... that it's warm enough to wear a sundress somewhere in my near future. I am really ready for spring now.  Like right now.

I hope... that I'm not too much of a disappointment.

I pray... for the DiGerolamo's. My heart breaks for them as they say goodbye to their sweet boy. Please pray with me for them. 

I pray... that I can be thankful in all things, no matter what. I pray that I can extend my hand to others and we can do this journey together. 

I will... continue to dance. No matter what happens in life, I will dance. I dance for me, for the joy that I get from this amazing thing that humans can do. 

I won't... give up. I won't let depression take today. And tomorrow I will tell myself the same. I won't minimize my pain, but I won't let it overcome me either. 

And for today... I'm here. I'm breathing and sometimes, that's plenty for one day. 



Saturday, March 2, 2013

So much to do.

"Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's my to-do list, every Chinese person in the world." -Lorelai Gilmore.

This is precisely how I feel.
So, so much to do.
I'm serious, can we put a day between Saturday and Sunday?

There's homework and tests to study for and books to be read and laundry to be done and movies to be watched and breaths to be taken and somewhere maybe even food to be eaten.

I am stressed beyond belief, but I am thankful. Thankful that todays turn into tomorrows, and they string themselves together and lead me towards home.

That's enough. No more time. 
I just wanted to come by and say hey.
I needed a break, you see.

I miss you guys.
Hope your weekend is fantastic.


Friday, March 1, 2013

Five Minute Friday.

This, seriously, is the highlight of my week.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where an entire month's worth of time goes by between Monday and Friday? Yeah, that was this week. I need another day between Saturday and Sunday. Think I could petition for that and get it? Ha, me either. Oh well, though. I'm happy.

Without further ado, friends of mine, here is my post for the day.

Topic: Ordinary.


Sunbeams dancing through slits in blind

Snowflakes stuck in blinking eyelashes

Little bird singing in winter night

Giggles and twinkle eyes

Poetry and words spilled, placed perfect

Tears that bring healing to hearts

Hugs when desperately needed

Letters and photograph treasures

Breathing, deep sigh and slowing down

Today, this moment, created just for you