Hey, loves. Just wanted to say thanks for not giving up on me here. I know I gave up on posting, but I've missed you guys, and I'm back now, so it's practically perfect.
I think I'm going to be okay after all. Strange, isn't it? How the human soul can bounce back from having your heart completely shattered on the floor in front of you, a lot of the pretty things inside becoming bits and pieces of the messy pile. But it does, with time. It hurts still, a lot. But I'm moving forward. So, I wanted to kind of compile my thoughts as to where I am at this stage in life, as I have quite often on here. So, bare with me, loves. Sorry for this extensive list.
1. I am finally able to breathe again. For the first time in over a month, I can breathe freely. I no longer feel like I have a fifty pound weight attached to me, collapsing my lungs. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of coming to terms with myself and who I am. And I'm becoming much more comfortable with that person.
2. It's almost Christmas. I'm fully aware that we still have Thanksgiving first, I get that. But, at the same time, IT'S ALMOST FREAKING CHRISTMAS. Our dorm room looks like santa's workshop, and I couldn't be more excited. We might just leave it like this. Because I absolutely cannot be in any sort of bad mood when my room looks this stinking cute.
3. Blake Shelton's Christmas CD= Bliss.
4. I'm re-reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It's my favorite book of all time. The character is exactly like me in so many ways. And it's hard to find someone who gets it. It's hard to find someone who can put into words how it feels to know that your body is turning on itself, but you smile anyways. It's the best book I've ever read, I'm pretty sure. If you haven't read it, you need to. Like right now. Stop with this silly list and go get the book.
5. I was scared that I lost the five year old Sarah that lived inside me, if you remember what I was talking about in my last list post. But I think decorating for Christmas, and a long one on one with myself did me more good than anything has in a while. I found it. I believe again, and I couldn't be more excited.
6. I'm going to attempt to improve my music and art skills this year some more. I really want to create something substantial.
7. I made a goal list for myself with both short term and long term goals. For anyone that knows me, you know that this is big. Because I hate planning things in advance, due to the fact that it generally ends up disappointing, and the fact that time isn't guaranteed.
8. Marching band was the best decision I ever made. I get to be a part of creating music. How amazing is that?! That humans, who usually don't do too many beautiful things, can pick up this piece of metal, blow into it, and make the most beautiful sounds. Music can explain what I feel when I can't. That's still to date the coolest things about being human.
9. I'm homesick for a place I haven't even been yet. I'm going to take the opportunities that I'm being offered by being at such an amazing school, and I'm going to see as much and experience as much as I possibly can. Definitely foreign, but also within the states. New York? Washington? Who knows. I'm ready, though.
10. I've picked up writing some again. I haven't published anything recent, so no, you didn't just skip it. I'm keeping it on the DL for a while until I decide it's good enough to show. Haha. But I'm also getting back into spoken word poetry. There's a coffee shop up here that hosts poetry nights I think. I might just go and perform some. I've missed it, it's one of the best outlets ever.
11. I'm excited to get started in on real life for a while. I'm ready to go, move forward, no strings attached, and become whoever the heck I want to be. It's going to be epic.
12. I've come to terms with being alone. I'm a people person, so it's not easy for me. I crave intimacy and a relationship where we can share life together. Not necessarily romantically, but just two people willing to invest in each other for the joy of it. But I get that sometimes, you just so happen to not have anyone right beside you. And that's okay. I do my best thinking when I'm alone. I like it quite a lot, actually, this alone thing. But what the kicker is that I don't too much fancy being lonely. And there's a fine line.
13. I thought I wanted to be a poet, but the more I write, the more I realize I want to be a poem more than anything.
14. I need books. Books and books and books. My supply is dwindling down a bit.
15. I am not going to pull away from everyone though I think it would be ultimately easier in the long run. For today, I am sticking it out. I'm going to be in people's lives for as long as I can. Just be warned early that I am a bit of a grenade. And there's really no telling when I will detonate, but just don't be sad when it happens. Just smile, and smile a lot, and move forward.
16. I have a fear of being forgotten. It scares the ever loving crap out of me, and I do a lot of things to attempt to assure that someone thinks of or remembers me. Please do me the favor of never fully forgetting me when I'm gone, okay? Just think of me every now and then. Don't let me die completely right away... keep me around in some stories and memories and things, alright? Thanks.
17. The year is getting ready to end. Already. Can you believe it? It's really almost over. 2012. Then comes January and a chance to start anew. Make new goals, plans, and make it the most freaking exciting time in my life. And I fully intend on doing so. I'm so ready.
18. Life is a good 90% what you make it. Lesson I'm learning right this second.
19. I'm trying to be better about letting people know how much they mean to me. I've cut a lot of toxic people out of my life recently, or have greatly limited my contact with them. I'm so glad. It's nice to know that you can surround yourself with people who only lift you up.
20. Today, I'm alive. And I'm happy. And tomorrow, hopefully, I'll awaken to a day that's even better than today. And I hope you do the same.
I love you guys so much! (:
Love,
Sarah
I think I'm going to be okay after all. Strange, isn't it? How the human soul can bounce back from having your heart completely shattered on the floor in front of you, a lot of the pretty things inside becoming bits and pieces of the messy pile. But it does, with time. It hurts still, a lot. But I'm moving forward. So, I wanted to kind of compile my thoughts as to where I am at this stage in life, as I have quite often on here. So, bare with me, loves. Sorry for this extensive list.
1. I am finally able to breathe again. For the first time in over a month, I can breathe freely. I no longer feel like I have a fifty pound weight attached to me, collapsing my lungs. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of coming to terms with myself and who I am. And I'm becoming much more comfortable with that person.
2. It's almost Christmas. I'm fully aware that we still have Thanksgiving first, I get that. But, at the same time, IT'S ALMOST FREAKING CHRISTMAS. Our dorm room looks like santa's workshop, and I couldn't be more excited. We might just leave it like this. Because I absolutely cannot be in any sort of bad mood when my room looks this stinking cute.
3. Blake Shelton's Christmas CD= Bliss.
4. I'm re-reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It's my favorite book of all time. The character is exactly like me in so many ways. And it's hard to find someone who gets it. It's hard to find someone who can put into words how it feels to know that your body is turning on itself, but you smile anyways. It's the best book I've ever read, I'm pretty sure. If you haven't read it, you need to. Like right now. Stop with this silly list and go get the book.
5. I was scared that I lost the five year old Sarah that lived inside me, if you remember what I was talking about in my last list post. But I think decorating for Christmas, and a long one on one with myself did me more good than anything has in a while. I found it. I believe again, and I couldn't be more excited.
6. I'm going to attempt to improve my music and art skills this year some more. I really want to create something substantial.
7. I made a goal list for myself with both short term and long term goals. For anyone that knows me, you know that this is big. Because I hate planning things in advance, due to the fact that it generally ends up disappointing, and the fact that time isn't guaranteed.
8. Marching band was the best decision I ever made. I get to be a part of creating music. How amazing is that?! That humans, who usually don't do too many beautiful things, can pick up this piece of metal, blow into it, and make the most beautiful sounds. Music can explain what I feel when I can't. That's still to date the coolest things about being human.
9. I'm homesick for a place I haven't even been yet. I'm going to take the opportunities that I'm being offered by being at such an amazing school, and I'm going to see as much and experience as much as I possibly can. Definitely foreign, but also within the states. New York? Washington? Who knows. I'm ready, though.
10. I've picked up writing some again. I haven't published anything recent, so no, you didn't just skip it. I'm keeping it on the DL for a while until I decide it's good enough to show. Haha. But I'm also getting back into spoken word poetry. There's a coffee shop up here that hosts poetry nights I think. I might just go and perform some. I've missed it, it's one of the best outlets ever.
11. I'm excited to get started in on real life for a while. I'm ready to go, move forward, no strings attached, and become whoever the heck I want to be. It's going to be epic.
12. I've come to terms with being alone. I'm a people person, so it's not easy for me. I crave intimacy and a relationship where we can share life together. Not necessarily romantically, but just two people willing to invest in each other for the joy of it. But I get that sometimes, you just so happen to not have anyone right beside you. And that's okay. I do my best thinking when I'm alone. I like it quite a lot, actually, this alone thing. But what the kicker is that I don't too much fancy being lonely. And there's a fine line.
13. I thought I wanted to be a poet, but the more I write, the more I realize I want to be a poem more than anything.
14. I need books. Books and books and books. My supply is dwindling down a bit.
15. I am not going to pull away from everyone though I think it would be ultimately easier in the long run. For today, I am sticking it out. I'm going to be in people's lives for as long as I can. Just be warned early that I am a bit of a grenade. And there's really no telling when I will detonate, but just don't be sad when it happens. Just smile, and smile a lot, and move forward.
16. I have a fear of being forgotten. It scares the ever loving crap out of me, and I do a lot of things to attempt to assure that someone thinks of or remembers me. Please do me the favor of never fully forgetting me when I'm gone, okay? Just think of me every now and then. Don't let me die completely right away... keep me around in some stories and memories and things, alright? Thanks.
17. The year is getting ready to end. Already. Can you believe it? It's really almost over. 2012. Then comes January and a chance to start anew. Make new goals, plans, and make it the most freaking exciting time in my life. And I fully intend on doing so. I'm so ready.
18. Life is a good 90% what you make it. Lesson I'm learning right this second.
19. I'm trying to be better about letting people know how much they mean to me. I've cut a lot of toxic people out of my life recently, or have greatly limited my contact with them. I'm so glad. It's nice to know that you can surround yourself with people who only lift you up.
20. Today, I'm alive. And I'm happy. And tomorrow, hopefully, I'll awaken to a day that's even better than today. And I hope you do the same.
I love you guys so much! (:
Love,
Sarah
This explains so much of what I'm feeling right now. Thank you for phrasing it so eloquently. <3
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