Our God is Greater: WVA 2011♥ Pt. 2!

Hey sweet friends. I promised you a part two to my WVA story, and here goes nothing!

Some of you may know that recently, I have been in the process of working my way through a really dark season in my life, and the consequences that follow beyond that season. I know that each of us faces these seasons... these stormy, difficult parts of life... but yet, it seems so easy for that ugly, creeping loneliness to completely envelop us during those moments. I really do hate that word... lonely... It's so stark, barren, and empty sounding. I think it is the place in my life where I am most vulnerable... when I'm lonely. When I feel like I don't fit, or that no one cares, or that no one understands... is anyone else that way? It's as though this desperation forms inside of the empty space carved out by loneliness. This desperation where the aching in my heart for any form of human connection is almost too much for me to bear. That's where Satan creeps in. For me, He is much like a shadow. He crawls around in the places we rarely pay any attention to, whispering deception straight into our ears.

No one cares for you, girl. Why would they?

Their kindness must be fake. You know good and well that no one likes you.

Look at that face, that skin, that body. Why would anyone want to love something that looks like that?

You're not worth anyone's effort, so stop trying.

Look at what you've done. Imagine if people knew! No one would ever forgive you.

See, no one even remembers you. You've been forgotten.

Have you heard those before? These are all things I really struggle with. For me, the last one is one of the most difficult for me to swallow. I have a pretty intense fear of being forgotten. But anyways. These are a few of the things that I had really been battling lately. On Sunday night in WVA, we do a commissioning service before VBS starts on Monday. It's a time where all the youth are sitting on the pews and the leaders come around and pray over and with us. It's a really special time where you have a lot of uninterrupted time to just pray and dig deep into your heart to prepare yourself for the coming week. Going up this year, I still had a lot of baggage attached to my heart. If I'm being completely honest, I really didn't want to go at all. I had tons to do at home, and my summer was crazy enough. Why on earth would I want to spend another week away from home after I'd just gotten back from a cruise? But something in my heart absolutely would not let me remain at home. So, suitcase re-packed, to WVA I went, and Sunday night I found out a lot of the reason why.

At the beginning of the service, I was just kind of sitting there, head bowed and eyes closed. It kind of hit me then how heavy my heart was, making it feel as though any prayer I sent up was only being weighed down, not even having the energy to make it through the ceiling. Then the first person came around and prayed over me. I don't really remember what was said by them, but I remember that all of the sudden it was as though this huge wave ran straight over me. One small whisper in the center of my heart...

I love you.

...and all of the sudden I couldn't breathe. Oh, those words. Those three simple little words coming from the sweetest voice I've ever known and it was as though a title wave had washed over me. It wasn't until then that I realized how hard I was still running... how much I was still trying to hide... how much my heart was still hurting. But then and there I poured out everything I had on that altar before me. I told Him everything, from what I'd done to how I'd hurt. I told Him of how lonely I had been. But the funny thing was, with each adult leader that stood over me during that service- each prayer that was said for me, each word of affirmation that was whispered into my ear- I was slowly but surely being filled again. Now, my heart was beginning to turn back again. I begged God to allow me to still be his vessel, even though I was still working on getting back to where I needed to be. I prayed that He would prepare me for the sweet lives that were to walk through the door the next morning. And, as always, He was faithful. The lies that had filled me for so long began to break loose that night as truths began replacing them.

I care for you, sweet girl. Why would you think I don't?

Their kindness is sincere. You know good and well that so many love you.

Look at that face, that skin, that body. Why wouldn't anyone want to love something that looks like that? I created you precisely as you are, after all.

You're worth the effort, so keep trying, and keep your standards equal to mine.

Look at what you've done. Imagine if people knew! Look at all the good I've been able to do through you that no one will ever know about, some not even you will know!

See, I remember you. I'll never leave you or forsake you. You're my daughter, precious one.

But even then, I wasn't quite finished. God still had a lot of work yet to do in me. Not long after... maybe by Wednesday?... I had picked up some of my baggage right back off the altar. Why you ask? I have no idea. I guess I thought I could handle things better on my own. (I can't, in case you were wondering!) So come Thursday night, it all seemed to be a little much. I felt like I wasn't where I was supposed to be, and that I was letting God down. Maybe He had a work to do through me, but I was blocking Him with my selfish ways, or that my heart was too full of garbage for any love to seep in, much less flow out of me. So that night, I got on my knees. Not literally... literally I was outside on the stone steps of the church... but I prayed. I prayed hard and long like I hadn't done in a long time. For the first time it felt as though what I was saying wasn't just bouncing off the stars. I could feel Him listening, His attention devoted to little old me. I had been living with a lot of shame. I had done some things, said some things, and lived in a way that I knew was not me, and was not pleasing to Him. For so long I felt as though I had let God down; I felt un-useable. And then, in that small voice He loves to use, He reminded me that I was never the one holding Him up. How sweet that feels. That night it hit me what true forgiveness really was. It's a willingness to see the person as who they are, in spite of whatever they have done. Have you ever experienced that kind of forgiveness? It's available to you, too, if you haven't. I promise, it's the best feeling in the world. As I thought back over the week and the sweet faces of kids who couldn't wait to give hugs and tell stories and memorize truths... I realized that God had used me. In spite of my human-ness, He used me anyway. He loved me anyway. He blessed me anyway. I've never felt so honored, or humbled. I've never loved feeling so small and so cared for as much as I did that night.

That week has changed me, and God definitely knew I would need it. He knew my heart and He knew exactly what I needed. Through the week, the youth class learned the song 'Our God', and it has quickly become one of the 'theme songs' of our trip. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics, as they really sum it up for me!

Water you turned into wine

Opened the eyes of the blind

There's no one like you, none like you

Into the darkness you shine

Out of the ashes we rise

There's no one like you, none like you

Our God is Greater

Our God is Stronger

God you are Higher than any other

Our God is Healer

Awesome in Power

Our God

Our God ♥